I like my free coffee like I like my men: dunkin' dark.

Already signed up for that free sample of instant Starbucks coffee? Get a free sample of Dunkin' Donuts coffee too, and make them battle for your love, just like a real relationship.

I just went to sign up, and evidently they've run out of their original blend samples due to popular demand, so you can only have something called Dunkin' Dark now.

Free Arby's Roastburger... whatever that is.

This isn't something that particularly interests me, but in the spirit of public service, I offer a coupon for a free Arby's Roastburger (when you buy a drink). Personally, Arby's just gives me flashbacks to a grimly cash-strapped childhood, but maybe you want a hunk of gym-sock-scented meat shavings and doughy white bread in your stomach.

I can feel the Jamocha-flavored bile rising in the back of my throat already.

When lunch freezes over.

Hippie-cereal granola-maker Kashi is branching out into frozen dinners, and they want YOU to try a frozen entree for free. There's some lame "Picture Hunt" game puzzle thing, but you don't have to fuss with that nonsense to get your free food.

Offer valid through 3/15/09, so get it while it's hot!

Free Quiznos sandwich AND spam for life!

Free Quiznos sandwich, anyone? Get a toasty meatwich for free - and all you have to do is sign up to be on their mailing list (but beware, they email you the coupon and it may end up in your spam folder). Unlike IHOP, they won't even hit you up to give to some damn charity, and you probably won't have to wait in line for 2 hours with a bunch of hobos, either.

Free pancakes at IHOP 2/24.

Yep, it's I Can Has Pancakes Day at IHOP tomorrow. Get your short stack with a side of peer pressure to donate to some charity or other. And don't forget to bring a newspaper and a nosegay - it'll be a looong, smelly wait in line with those hobos and college students.

Depression cooking.

That's "depression" as in "Great Depression," not as in, "I'm so depressed about my bills I can barely soak a brick of Top Ramen."

Clara the 93-year-old cookin' great-grandma!

Don't like brewed Starbucks? Try their instant coffee, free.

Financially beleagured Starbucks is launching a new line of - wait for it - instant coffee, which will be introduced in Seattle SBUX stores, as well as Target and Costco, in March. Oh, sorry, I meant "Starbucks VIA Ready Brew," because that's classier.

Try it here if you dare, but it will force you to sign up for an email newsletter, so have that junk address handy.