I like my free coffee like I like my men: dunkin' dark.

Already signed up for that free sample of instant Starbucks coffee? Get a free sample of Dunkin' Donuts coffee too, and make them battle for your love, just like a real relationship.

I just went to sign up, and evidently they've run out of their original blend samples due to popular demand, so you can only have something called Dunkin' Dark now.

Free Arby's Roastburger... whatever that is.

This isn't something that particularly interests me, but in the spirit of public service, I offer a coupon for a free Arby's Roastburger (when you buy a drink). Personally, Arby's just gives me flashbacks to a grimly cash-strapped childhood, but maybe you want a hunk of gym-sock-scented meat shavings and doughy white bread in your stomach.

I can feel the Jamocha-flavored bile rising in the back of my throat already.

When lunch freezes over.

Hippie-cereal granola-maker Kashi is branching out into frozen dinners, and they want YOU to try a frozen entree for free. There's some lame "Picture Hunt" game puzzle thing, but you don't have to fuss with that nonsense to get your free food.

Offer valid through 3/15/09, so get it while it's hot!

Free Quiznos sandwich AND spam for life!

Free Quiznos sandwich, anyone? Get a toasty meatwich for free - and all you have to do is sign up to be on their mailing list (but beware, they email you the coupon and it may end up in your spam folder). Unlike IHOP, they won't even hit you up to give to some damn charity, and you probably won't have to wait in line for 2 hours with a bunch of hobos, either.

Free pancakes at IHOP 2/24.

Yep, it's I Can Has Pancakes Day at IHOP tomorrow. Get your short stack with a side of peer pressure to donate to some charity or other. And don't forget to bring a newspaper and a nosegay - it'll be a looong, smelly wait in line with those hobos and college students.

Depression cooking.

That's "depression" as in "Great Depression," not as in, "I'm so depressed about my bills I can barely soak a brick of Top Ramen."

Clara the 93-year-old cookin' great-grandma!

Don't like brewed Starbucks? Try their instant coffee, free.

Financially beleagured Starbucks is launching a new line of - wait for it - instant coffee, which will be introduced in Seattle SBUX stores, as well as Target and Costco, in March. Oh, sorry, I meant "Starbucks VIA Ready Brew," because that's classier.

Try it here if you dare, but it will force you to sign up for an email newsletter, so have that junk address handy.

Freebrew - Frebrurar - FREE COFFEE AT MCDONALD'S

Nothing works up your appetite for a free thing like having to WORK a little for it! So if you want your free McDonald's coffee between 5:00-9:00 am during the month of "Freebruary" (sigh), be sure to call first and make sure your desired location is participating.

Scoff if you will, but blind taste-testing showed that people generally rated McDonald's coffee higher than Starbucks, so at a cost of $0.00, it's worth a try...

Free lunch, free white guilt at Showbox SoDo.

UPDATE: As you might imagine, this offer was sold out in minutes, so don't even bother now.

The Showbox SoDo is starting lunch service, and along the lines of the "first one's free, kid" sales philosophy, you can get a free lunch this Thursday or Friday, 2/19 or 2/20. Of course, it comes with a hearty helping of guilt, as they'll try to force you to donate to a food bank, but that's up to you. After all, they can't MAKE you pay or it wouldn't be free, right?

The details:

SHOWBOX SODO LOUNGE'S GASTRONOMIC STIMULUS PACKAGE
There is such a thing as a free lunch!
Thursday, February 19th and Friday, February 20th

Beginning February 19th, Showbox SoDo Lounge will be open for lunch from 11am to 3pm, Tuesday through Friday.

GET A FREE LUNCH!
To get a FREE LUNCH on Thursday 2/19 or Friday 2/20, email reserve@showboxonline.com with your full name, size of your party (maximum 4 guests per table), and your preferred day and time (11:30am or 12:30pm only).

Limited space available. One entrée per person; in-person dining only. Beverages not included.

EAT LUNCH FOR FREE AND FEED ANOTHER!
In exchange for your free lunch, we'll ask you to make a cash donation to the White Center Food Bank (www.whitecenterfoodbank.org), so that someone else can enjoy a free lunch on your behalf.

20% coupon at downtown Seattle H&M.

I went to H&M on Monday, 2/9, and when I went up to the register, the cashiers were asking everyone if they had "the coupon." If you said no, they would wink, pull a coupon from a HUGE stack behind the counter, and apply it to your purchase - 20% off one item.

I don't know where or how anyone actually received these coupons (I asked if they were mailed, and they said no), but it doesn't really matter, does it? Stop in soon - 20% off cheap makes it even cheaper.

Free theatre for the jobless.

Recently laid off? You can use all that newfound free time to get a little culture, courtesy of the Attic Theatre, which is offering free tickets this weekend to the recently unemployed. You may have to stand in line... but really, what else do you have to do?

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Tickets to Attic Theatre's production of "Little Women" this weekend at Meydenbauer Theatre in Bellevue are free to anyone who has lost a job recently. "Many of us in the cast and crew know firsthand what it's like to be laid off and out of work," said Mark Lewis, managing director of the Bothell-based company. "So we want to do what we can to boost people's spirits, and this is a great show to do that. Any person who comes to the box office before the show who says they've been laid off will be given a free ticket, and a warm welcome." The shows are at 7:30 p.m. Friday, 2:30 and 7:30 p.m. Saturday and 2:30 p.m. Sunday. Information: 425-985-8608, theattictheatre.org.

Putting the "less" in threadless.

Today, Threadless.com is having a Twitter sale event: every hour, on the hour (sort of), they Tweet a coupon code in denominations that will get bigger as the day goes on. $25 at 10:00 am PST, $50 at 11:00 am, etc.

I've been trying to cash in myself, without much success. They're describing it as a "gift code," which makes me think no purchase is required, but evidently it's first-come-first-serve and it sounds like there's a total amount that gets used up and goes away. Just now, I auto-refreshed Twitter, saw the noon code 30 seconds after it was posted, and it was already invalid on the site. So, if you want to sit around trying to make it work, good luck!

Wiggle it, for just a little bit.

Winter getting you down? Already bored with those blah spa gift sets you got for Xmas? Change up your beauty routine with locally made Wiggle Perfumes out of Olympia, for the same price as those Designer Imposters sprays from the dollar store.

A 5 ml rollerball, perfect for travel or tucking in your purse, is just $7.50, but the best deal of all is the samples - $1 each for a 0.5 ml sample tube. Ever had absinthe-scented perfume? How about persimmon? Mayan cocoa or apricot vanilla?

Don't worry, there are more traditional perfumes too, and even a few men's fragrances. But for $1 a throw, why not try something different?

Free Grand Slam at Denny's today!

No such thing as a free lunch (well, breakfast)? Today there seems to be. Denny's is apparently offering a free Grand Slam today only, February 3, until 2:00 pm.

A Grand Slam is two eggs, two pancakes, two slices of bacon, and two sausage links. All that fat and cholesterol for FREE? This must be America!